Grieving for what?

I find that the hardest part about being sick is that I am often grieving. I imagine it must be the hardest part about having cancer too. You are battling with a disease that is going to alter your life (in my case) or possibly end your life (in the case of some cancer patients). But the problem lies in the unknown. I don't know if the intravenous treatment is going to work - if I am going to go back to 100% or if I am going to be sick for the rest of my life. Part of me grieves for the possible loss, but then immediately feels guilty because I haven't actually lost anything yet.

It would be so much easier if there was a definitive answer. 2 months more or 15 years more. Having a concrete time frame allows you to adjust your emotions, expectations and lifestyle. The key to a happy life is expectations. Mismanaged expectations lead to anger, disappointment, guilt, pain... expectations to be healthy, expectations that your love will be returned, expectations that you will be happy post-graduation.

Not that you shouldn't have high expectations, you should. It's just that hope is a dangerous thing - because each time you get burned makes it harder to fight again.

I just thought I had turned a corner, gotten a bit better. Then over the past 2 days I've spent 5 or 6 hours in bed... not really the stunning comeback I had imagined. My only answer was tears (in the Tower Records parking lot). I want so desperately to be well.