Time flies

I haven't posted because I have been feeling better. I've been off meds for 3 weeks and am feeling about 80% normal. It's like total freedom. I'm not better but I don't feel foggy, weak or nauseous. I can sleep 9 hours a night and function the next day. I've even drank once or twice and felt fine... but I can feel the doubt creep in. Anytime I feel slightly sick it's like paranoid delirium. Am I sick again? Did I wake up in the middle of the night because of night sweats or just because I had a bad dream? Am I just slightly tired or am I lyme tired? Even if I feel good, how long will it last? Will I get sick again? Or rather, when will I get sick again?

The ever-present threat of "worse" is crippling. A nagging small fear that eats away at life. It must be the same with any chronic disease. When, when, when? Hyper-vigilance can't fix it and if I do relapse, I will blame myself. Anger. Guilt. It already dominates how I think, if only is too easy to play...

I go back on rosefin tomorrow. They are starting me on a new treatment, 4 days on at 2 grams per day and 3 days off. I have to go off zithro, omnicef, ketek, etc because it was causing problems in my heart. No more mepron or malaron. Yellow paint is done. It doesn't feel defeating, almost exciting because I know I am in the final stages, the final push of treatment and when I get off meds, I might be able to feel like I do now - and I feel pretty good.

normal. I feel like I am approaching normal. Right now, you wouldn't guess that I am sick, I can appear just like you. It not as much work to be myself, so it's not as taxing to be around other people and I can stay around longer and not be as tired. So there is less guilt and frustration.

I am going to make it. Just you wait.