The ANGRY post

For kicks I made a list of things I tried to do when sick and then had to either a.) quit during or b.) quit before

- Varsity D1 swimming in college (had quit after two years)
- Econ 1 (quit halfway through because I was spending so much time at the doctors I had to drop a class)
- Wilderness Ventures (left mid-season to go back on anti-biotics)
- run a marathon (started training and had to stop, went back on antibiotics)
- Peace Corps (accepted but had to turn down b/c I had to be antibiotic free for 3 months... wasn't going to happen)
- TEFL course in Spain (had the tickets on reserve but had to cancel, and started antibiotics again)
- do well in an Olympic-distance triathlon (had to stop training 2 weeks before race)
- Internship in New York (left early to go on IV)
- Astro Camp (offered position but then had to turn down the job, not off the IV yet)

My plan was to swim for four years in college, live abroad, and be in grad school by now. I feel like I am starting years behind - that I learned early that life doesn't always go the way you planned.

And I am angry about being sick. I am angry at myself for trying to be "tough" and hold back on my emotions. I am angry that it stole my future and my plans. I feel old, jaded, young, lucky, unlucky, pissed.

But mostly pissed, because lymes did change me. It eroded my confidence, rocked my world out of control and no matter how many plans I made, I couldn't get myself well enough to actually do them. And that sense of powerlessness was corrosive. This new me is one I am still trying to understand... and someone I still resent.