Another List

Antibiotics, minimal exercise, no drinking, sleep 8 hours, liquid antibiotics, chinese herbs, massage therapy, regular therapy, drink water, salt and vitamin C protocol, IV antibiotics, sauna therapy, energy work, no sugar, no carbs, no fruit, laugh therapy, cowden protocol, vitamins, herbs, and now... nothing. finally.

The ANGRY post

For kicks I made a list of things I tried to do when sick and then had to either a.) quit during or b.) quit before

- Varsity D1 swimming in college (had quit after two years)
- Econ 1 (quit halfway through because I was spending so much time at the doctors I had to drop a class)
- Wilderness Ventures (left mid-season to go back on anti-biotics)
- run a marathon (started training and had to stop, went back on antibiotics)
- Peace Corps (accepted but had to turn down b/c I had to be antibiotic free for 3 months... wasn't going to happen)
- TEFL course in Spain (had the tickets on reserve but had to cancel, and started antibiotics again)
- do well in an Olympic-distance triathlon (had to stop training 2 weeks before race)
- Internship in New York (left early to go on IV)
- Astro Camp (offered position but then had to turn down the job, not off the IV yet)

My plan was to swim for four years in college, live abroad, and be in grad school by now. I feel like I am starting years behind - that I learned early that life doesn't always go the way you planned.

And I am angry about being sick. I am angry at myself for trying to be "tough" and hold back on my emotions. I am angry that it stole my future and my plans. I feel old, jaded, young, lucky, unlucky, pissed.

But mostly pissed, because lymes did change me. It eroded my confidence, rocked my world out of control and no matter how many plans I made, I couldn't get myself well enough to actually do them. And that sense of powerlessness was corrosive. This new me is one I am still trying to understand... and someone I still resent.

Normalacy...

It's 2008. I have been off medication of any sort (including vitamins) for 3 months, off antibiotics for 9 months, off IV antibiotics for a year. The 9months anitbiotic free marks the longest stint since 2003.

Incredible.

I feel my energy return, the constant chase of disease ebbs. For so long it matter distinctly and crushingly whether I got 8 hours of sleep, whether I ate too much sugar, whether I had food every 2 hours... and I find it distinctly liberating to not have to worry about hunkering down on a floor for sleep or that skipping lunch will make me too nauseous to interact with other people.

I can exercise for 2 hours and not feel too tired to move off the couch. I can make plans in the future and see them to fruition.


It is amazing, liberating, overwhelming and such a fucking relief.

I went through my drawers the other day and threw out the medications in the picture. It was just some of the drugs I had found lying around from the last 1 year of treatment... spring cleaning feels great