A future?

I got a job.

And it is amazing.

It starts in March.

I might still be on IV.

How to be happy...

My doctor, after slapping me with my extended IV sentence, had some good advice:

People base their happiness on how well they do what they do and what they have. But when you are sick, you don't do much and you certainly don't do it well. The key, however, is to love yourself, despite whatever is going on externally. So, fight for yourself. Love yourself despite your sickness, love yourself despite your wealth and despite your relationships. Getting better won't make you happy. Only you can do that...

smart man.

And, he continued to say, Lymes is like a constant wave - there are highs and lows, goods and bads. And as a chronic patient, I have to learn to not ride that wave... because the ups might feel great but the downs are going to hurt like hell. And no one can love themselves through that much thrashing.

Feeling alive...

You know those times when life is good. like really good. and you can't stop smiling?

I'm getting there. Not because life is really good, but I am starting to get some energy back, this new regimen is working.

It's so hard to describe, it's like the ethereal feeling that I know I've just legitimately been in a moment. Like for one second I wasn't sick, or working on having energy or thinking about how I would "normally" act - I just was. Those moments make me want to shout... and I always end up smiling, knowing that I am appreciating whatever mundane thing just happened way more than whoever is with me.

The next phase

Maybe this post should be entitled fuck.

Doc told me today 3 more months of IV. Bringing me up to a grand total of 7months of IV. He clarified a little when I started to cry, saying that I can get the central line out only after I've plateau-ed (as in not getting any better because of the drugs). So really, it could be longer - but it could also be shorter too. Minimum date: Jan. 25th.

Stuck at home. No drinking. No sweating. No eating yeasts or sugars until I'm off antibiotics and I have an immune system - which will probably be many months after I'm off the drugs. So the hope for eggnog and Christmas cookies will have to be delayed until next year.

Man, I am bitter.