I feel pretty.

There wasn't much pain, no big show, but the tubers are gone. I think there is a bit of shock. The removal doesn't coincide with good health, nor with anything really. They were there and now they are not.

But I actually feel a bit prettier. And more confident. I feel like I am on the right track, closer to well. Like I've taken that next step forward - whether that's true or not.

But I also feel kind of scared because I have no excuse anymore. I can be fairly hard on myself, the tubes gave me an excuse to chill out. If I didn't have the energy to do that, to fix that, to try, then I wouldn't. But now, with the tubes gone I can feel my mind flipping back... you aren't really that sick, if you just push yourself (like they all expect) then you can do it.

The tubes were like a little safety blanket from the world and from myself. I might miss them...

The line comes out.

Tomorrow, a la 11am, I am officially saying good bye to Larry and Sly. My central line is being removed and I will be able to sweat, to shower and to throw away my IV pole.

Feeling a weird mix of relief and well, anxiousness. I'm still on oral antibiotics. They tell me I might even feel worse for a bit when the line comes out. There is going to be no definitive "I am now healthy" moment. But I feel like I am holding out for one. And while I'm thrilled not to have the line in, it also takes away my ability to describe my pain quickly to people. Without the line, my street cred. diminishes. I don't' know why this worries me so much, but I hate having people treat me like either a.) nothing that big is going on or b.) that they can help fix me. Having the line generally eliminates both.

I think I just expected to be happier about this than I am. I am just feeling... off.