A reserve of strength

I have been debating this Mid-march deadline. (see below posts) Am I ready? Can I do it? Am I being stupid?

You know what, fuck it. I'm going. If I fail, I fail but I gotta try. No one can guarantee me anything in terms of this disease. Staying home probably won't make me better either.

So if I don't make it - I'll deal with that when it happens. But for now, I have to at least give it a go. I am healthy enough to try - to see if being psychologically happy and successful can boost my immune system enough to kick this on more permanent basis.

Though I feel sick, I also feel strong today. Strength in this belief that I am going to make it. That the nausea is my body telling me it's ready to be on less antibiotics, that some sunshine, activity, adventure, and distance from home will help, not hurt. It's an optimistic day today. I believe in me.

Let me elaborate

I do feel nauseous... after I eat, after I take my meds, if I get dehydrated. My kidney's are hurting, all the time. I am feeling weak. I look at the meds I have to take and want to vomit. Seriously. gag reaction.

But I think this sick feeling does NOT have to do with lymes but more to do with the toxicity of the antibiotics. Also, I went to an allergist who told me i am borderline diabetic and need to avoid all carbs, sugars, and fruit. My weakened immune system has trouble fighting any sort of allergen too. So my allergies get worse, which taxes my immune system more and which makes it harder to fight all allergens (not to mention anything else that is toxic to my body like yeast in the gut, etc).... the cycle of depleting my immune system continues.

I am also allergic to chocolate. Now ain't that a real kick in the nuts?