Ah, and the health update

So, I had e-coli for a couple weeks. I felt terrible. So, I took myself off antibiotics and I've been off them for 12 days, almost 2 weeks. I feel great. I am just on immune supplements... and I feel really really great.

phone consult tomorrow with the doctor to determine the next steps.

Where I am now...

So I have been on my island Since March 18th. Around 6 weeks. Here is what I have realized:

1.) It is hard to come into a new community where people don't know me, much less a community that is transient and has no particular reason to understand me. They won't be working with me long term, they are not around me enough to make it worth it to try.

2.) This particular community favors those who are healthy, those that are active, those that can do it all themselves and those who are not a burden. I am none of these things.

3.) I cannot take risks. I have no lee-way. I eat a bad meal, I feel bad for days. I get e-coli (like I did the 2nd day here) and I feel sick for 3 weeks. I cannot skimp on sleep, it is a huge gamble. This is the part that is the hardest. I am high maintance because if I am not, then I get really sick.

4.) This isn't in my head. It might seem like it, but honestly I feel pretty damn good right now, and it makes me realize that it was bad before.

The bottom line: there are few physical things people can do for me. what I really need is emotional support, which takes trust, which takes time and effort. I feel supported now, but I also feel pretty healthy right now. What if I feel crappy again? will my co-workers be here for me? Can I expect that? am I being reasonable? Am I dysfunctionally rescuing myself??

A post from April 11th...

I wrote this a couple weeks ago but never got around to posting....

Feedback given to me from my boss... first, I have an attitude when I am tired, a tone that is inappropriate and hurts people. I need to vocalize my pain - people need to know where I am coming from. The second was that I need to not pursue self-reliance at the cost of self-care. Do what I need to to take care of myself, even if that means asking for people to do things that seem extraordinary.

Okay, I appreciate all that. I really do. But do you honestly want me to vocalize my pains? If you want me to tell you when I am sick, I will but you'll just think I am complaining all the time. I am sick, I don't feel well - but even communicating that takes work. And then... there is not much you can do to make me feel better. Cure me. Okay, sure, but beyond that - not much. I need to nap, I need to be alone, I need good foods.

The problem is that you can't help me. It isn't like I have a broken foot. You can't carry my bag and open the door for me... I have a major chronic illness that creeps around the outside of my life and my psychie. You want to do something for me? then get to know me well enough to know when I am too sick to ask for help. Get to know me well enough to know when and how to extend grace. You want to help? help me figure out how the fuck to not feel like a burden, how the fuck to be self reliant enough to not cry every time I think about the lymes. Maybe you could just listen to my tears and tell me I am doing a good job.

I need to be told I am doing something right. That I am a good person. There is not enough self love. 2007 is the year of self love. And I have none. There is the huge divide between what/who I think I am and what/who I am while being sick. I can't bring the two together, I hate the girl who is sick, who offers nothing, who takes all the time, who is tired and a drag. You don't want to hear about it - you couldn't possibly. To hear about it would be awful. you don't want to get into my head. I don't want to be here either.

AND, again, I am not Tuesday's with Morrie. I can't be cheerful and nice all the time. sometimes I want to scream: you try being fucking nauseous all the time and doubting yourself all the time. just try. just fucking try it. then I'll be more than happy to tell you that you need to reach out more, articulate your needs and figure out systems that help you make it work. And you will be the one that wants to punch me in the face.

hate this.

Let me know if you have any thoughts on how to vocalize pain without complaining or impelling people towards guilt for inaction.

Sorry for the rant.